Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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