3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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