YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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