We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
