Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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