When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
