the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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