i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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