i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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