WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
