so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
