I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
