I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
