Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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