oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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