glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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