I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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