I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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