i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
