Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
