Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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