Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
