I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
