it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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