Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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