and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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