dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
