I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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