My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
