So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
