I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
