forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
