so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
