I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
