good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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