I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
