Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
