fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
