It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
