I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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