I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
