did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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