I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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