I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
