she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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