my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I believe in your delicious
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
