imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
