One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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