fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
