i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
