sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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